


I Will Survive

by Nylazor



Series: The Adventures of Cal Amell [19]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Insomnia, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-08-25 22:33:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16669618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nylazor/pseuds/Nylazor
Summary: Some wardens are missing and Cal has to face his anxiety and go investigate.Cal lives au!





	1. Insomnia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Akumaloligirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akumaloligirl/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal is informed a warden squad went missing and has anxiety about it, he prepares to leave the next day

Cal watched as the recruits sparred in the yard. Losing focus he began to space out as his eyes glazed.

 

“Commander!” 

 

Cal jumped hard, flinching away, his breath quickening, only to see a fellow warden looking at him. 

 

Cal took a few slow breaths trying to steady himself before he turned his full attention the the warden. “Please don't yell, it can't be that important.” He scratched his beard.

 

The warden was Fredrick, not exactly a recruit, but still new enough to not know Cal's ticks. He was staring at Cal with vague confusion. It took all of his self control not to shrink down on himself. He knew what Frederick was thinking, 'this guy ended the blight?’. Cal wanted to grab him by the shoulder and explain that he didn't used to be this jumpy, he didn't use to get spooked by yelling, that he once took on an ogre on his own. But he didn't.

 

“Well?” Cal asked.

 

“Oh!” Fredrick looked startled. “Uh, we lost contact with the party of wardens you sent to deal with the darkspawn outbreak in the country.”

 

“Oh. That is important.” Cal bit his lip before letting go and reminding himself to act tough. “I guess I should round up a party to go check on them.”

 

Frederick nodded. Shit. Cal was the only healer here, that meant he would have to go. That… might be a problem. He dismissed Frederick and turned to gaze at the recruits once more. It wasn't that Cal was afraid of the darkspawn, he'd killed enough of the bastards, it's just whenever he left the compound, wether for supplies, a day trip or a mission, he got horrible… anxieties! Yes that was the word. He felt scared and on edge, his breath sped up up and his stomach cramped. He nervously played with the stone in front of him, scratching at it with his already bitten down to the quick nails. He didn't know what to do. He hated leaving the compound but Anders was out there, he was relying on them to get home. Cal sighed and walked down to the courtyard where Zevran was training some recruits.

 

Cal waved him over and Zevran eyed him and called the practice to a still. He walked over. Cal visibly relaxed, he smiled sadly.

 

“We got a mission.” Cal said wistfully.

 

“Are you okay with that Mi amor?” Zevran said eyebrows meeting.

 

“I don't have a choice, I'm the only healer.” Cal shivered.

 

“You always have a choice. I went on dozens of missions without a mage healer, we didn't all survive, but we completed the mission.”

 

Cal reached forward and pressed his hand to Zevran's face. “These Wardens are my brother's and sisters, I couldn't live knowing I let them die because I was afraid.”

 

Zevran gazed at him morosely. “Only do this if you're sure.”

 

Cal bit his lip. “I'm sure.”

 

Zevran stood on his toes to kiss Cal, taking his bottom lip in his mouth, massaging it with his teeth and tongue. “You bite your lip too much, I taste blood.”

 

Cal tugged his lip free and grimaced at him. “I have to find the rest for the mission, we leave tomorrow morning.”

 

Cal tracked down Max and Eurielle, to excellent fighters and recruited them. After that he went to the mess and ate supper glumly alone. He returned to his and Zevran's room and curled up hugging a pillow and waited for him.

 

***

 

Cal jerked awake by the bed shifting to one side. He had to calm himself as he saw it was Zevran. Still he was shook. He tried to rationalize himself but he still felt scared.

 

“You left the candle burning.” Zevran said quietly.

 

Cal pushed himself up shivering and hugging the pillow close to him.

 

“We need to reapply your war paint.” Zevran chided and held out his hand.

 

Cal rested his hand in Zevran's and shrinked as he tisked. 

 

“You've been chewing again.” 

 

“Sorry.” Cal mumbled.

 

“I don't mind, doesn't it hurt? It looks like you rip it out of the nail bed.” Zevran began to file.

 

“I miss Barkspawn.” Cal said morosely.

 

“As you tell me daily. And I tell you he is having the time of his life being bred with beautiful mabari and making lots of mabari babies.” Zevran said as he began to paint.

 

“But don't you think he misses me? Maybe I shouldn't have given him up.”

 

Zevran sighed. “I'm sure he misses you, but don't you prefer him safe and in the lap of luxury instead of risking his life everyday?” 

 

“I know that…” Cal looked away. “Sorry, I guess I'm worried about tomorrow.”

 

Zevran switched hands. “You've won a hundred percent of the battles you've fought so far.”

 

“Yes! But we've been over this. When I leave the compound, I feel scared, like we're going to be attacked any moment, I'm not worried about anything in particular, but my gut is crazy with worry, and when I ask myself what's wrong, my head is blank. I really hate leaving here.”

 

“I know, but you must build up you tolerance, like to a poison or alcohol.”

 

“But it's been months and it hasn't changed! What if I'm just broken?”

 

Zevran finished painting and put the bottle down. “I think we're all a bit fucked eh? You don't get by, by being perfect, the world breaks off pieces and that makes us stronger.”

 

“Yeh.” Cal leaned back. “Tell me about your day.”

 

Zevran recited it from the beginning, listing his views of the recruits he was training and highlighting there flaws and abilities. He was such an excellent story teller, Cal thought, he made even boring reports engaging. 

 

Eventually Zevran lapsed into silence and Cal cast a magelight.

 

“But you just fell asleep without you little nightlight.”

 

“Yeh, with the candles lit.”

 

Zevran huffed. “Why don't you try to fall asleep without it?” 

 

Reluctantly Cal extinguished the light and Zevran blew the candles out. Cal curled up beside Zevran and tried to sleep.

 

Slowly something unfurled in Cal's chest. Pain. It made it hard to breath, he felt his hands shake, his mouth was dry. Cal was resolute, he focused on relaxing, it wasn't a particularly hard day but he was still tired. He bit his lip, before remembering Zevran's comment and let go. At first he tried to distract himself, idly thinking of whatever came into his head. He got bored of that and tried to do the 7 times table in his head, he went as high as he could, getting higher everytime until he was sick of it. Throughout he kept flipping side to side, on his back, his stomach and back again. Eventually Cal got frustrated and got up. Zevran bolted upright. Cal shushed him and went for a walk, he went to the cold night to try to and clear his head. Truly he was exhausted, but he couldn't sleep no matter how hard he tried. Cal stared up at the moon. Dammit! It was setting in the west! That meany he wasted all night trying to sleep! And right before a mission. He groaned and rubbed his face, he was so tired. He probably had 2 hours to sleep until dawn. Grumpily, he marched back to bed and got in it and cast a magelight.

 

He heard Zevran sigh. “What time is it?”

 

“Sorry, couldn't sleep.” Cal murmed and pressed his lips to Zevran's cheek.

 

“Neither could I, you rolled around all night, I thought if I ignored it you'd Cal. Down and go to sleep, but you never did. Time?”

 

“Fuck. It's two hours until dawn.”

 

Zevran groaned. “Well it was my idea.”

 

“Sorry Zev. You're right, it's fucking embarrassing to need a night light, but I can't sleep without it.”

 

“I didn't say that mi amor, I just thought it was worth a shot. It doesn't matter to me. The red light is a bit creepy.”

 

“Well red light preserves your night vision.” Cal recited.

 

“Yes, yes. Just go to sleep, we need it.” Zevran sighed.

 

Cal cuddled close to Zevran and they had a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cal has ptsd and hypervigilence is part of that, hence his need of a nightlight and why he gets anxious when he leaves the compound... It sux.
> 
> True story that insomnia story happened to me when I had a sleep study


	2. Drowning in Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Max and Eurielle and the 4 hero's set out on their journey.

The knock on the door woke Cal, he groaned but Zevran was far better at waking up then him.

 

“Yes?”

 

“We're leaving in an hour, just making sure you're awake, sir.” 

 

“Thank you, Max.” Zevran said stretching.

 

Cal moaned and shoved his face into the pillow. 

 

Zevran rustled his hair. “Don't be like that, you need tea, I need coffee, we'll feel better when we eat.”

 

Cal managed to dress in his armor, though his eyes were closed for most of it. Zevran suited up in similar fashion. They threw essentials in two bags and made there way to the dining hall.

 

“I'll get breakfast, mi amor, I handle sleepless nights better than you.” Zevran said with a kiss.

 

Cal collapsed onto a bench and his head hit the table.

 

“This is our commander on mission day?” 

 

Cal perked his head up to glare at the voice. Eurielle. Ah, Cal had forgot to put his mask on, he was too tired to be bothered though so his head fell back on the table.

 

“Oh, I'm sorry Eurielle, one of us defeated a blight with 9 people, 1 of which was a dog? Was it you? No, right you were cowering in fear, so, kindly shut your mouth.”

 

He heard a laugh.

 

“You show her commander! Seriously though, ease off Eurie, he just hasn't had his tea yet, you Ferelden's and your tea.” Max said, jolly as ever.

 

Someone rubbed his back before sitting beside him, he hoped it was Zevran otherwise someone was going to lose a hand. Cal could smell the heavenly aroma of tea so he raised his head and dragged the cup to his mouth, pleased to see it was Zevran. Zevran pushed a plate of food at him.

 

Cal hissed. “This tea is cold!”

 

Zevran raised an eyebrow at him, drinking from his steaming cup. “You say that as if you could not remedy the problem, post haste.”

 

“Oh yeah.” Cal warmed the cup. “Templars didn't like us using magic outside of class.”

 

“Is coffee really a good use of funds?” Eurielle asked.

 

“Good for moral.” Zevran said cheerily.

 

“Not in the mood 'Eurie’. Didn't know you and Max were so close by the way.”

 

Eurielle flushed and glared. “Well you're one to talk! You're dating your would be assassin!”

 

“Ah, but we are not fraternizing, I am no warden, you two on the other hand…” Zevran smirked.

 

“Aha, no need to get out of hand Commander! She's just jealous of your skill.” Max intervened.

 

Cal shrugged and shoved food in his mouth.

 

“Why did you even recruit me for this mission? It's clear you don't like me.” Eurielle grouched.

 

Cal swallowed. “I don't dislike you Eurie, I happen to like all my warden siblings, it just so happens you love to antagonize me, I'm not Andraste, I can give as good as I can take, and I brought you because you happen to be the best shield warrior in the base right now, and I happen to need your big shield to hide behind so I can keep all four of us healed and direct from the rear.”

 

Max looked slightly put out.

 

Cal gave him a slice of his bacon. “I said shield warrior, Max, Eurielle can't touch you on your pure damage.”

 

Max looked suitably cheered up as he ate the bacon.

 

“Well are we bringing the assassin for any reason other than for him to be your boy toy?” Eurielle snapped.

 

“Why, of course,” Zevran grinned at her. “One of us look presentable, and it will certainly not be the two of you, Cal is already the face of the wardens, but he's a bit scruffy, I am on recruitment, join the wardens and you can be as glorious as I.”

 

Eurielle opened her mouth but Cal cut her off. “Zevran can pick any locks we come across, he's also good at stealth and backstabbing.” Cal growled. “Sounds like you should spend less time hitting things with a stick and more strategizing.”

 

Eurielle grimaced and returned to her food. They all finished their meals and met up at the gate. 

 

“Alright, Eurielle you're vanguard, Max you're rear guard, Zevran you're second in line and I'll be third.” 

 

Eurielle didn't look happy but she didn't argue. As soon as they stepped out of the gates Cal felt his stomach tighten. He ignored it and pushed on. He could do this.

 

***

 

He could not do this. It felt like he was drowning, like something was crushing his lungs. He had tried his best to distract from it but he couldn't concentrate, he could barely think. Cal called them to stop for camp, the other three and Cal warded them in. He collapsed beside Zevran. He was still too tired to wear his mask so he tried to focus on Zevran. Max and Eurielle set about making the fire and setting up tents. Cal tried to focus, he tried to concentrate on his breathing, push the pain out of his mind, but it continued to persist. 

 

“Got a light, Commander?” Max asked crouching in front of an excellently stacked fire pit.

 

Oh no. Cal had trouble controlling his magic when he couldn't concentrate, he needed control, discipline, but he couldn't breath! Ok he could breath, but it felt like no matter how much he breathed it wasn't enough. Cal bit his lip.

 

“Sure.” 

 

He puffed out his cheeks and brought the fire to his hand and pushed it forward. The fire burst forward and flared high into the sky, Cal bared his teeth and grimaced. The fire twisted and fought, like it wanted to be let free, but with much effort, Cal finally made it simmer down to a reasonable height. He held it there for a little while, waiting for the fire to enter its claws into the wood before he let it go, cutting the off the magic.

 

“Haha been awhile?” Max said, albeit a bit nervously.

 

“That must be it.” He said morosely.

 

He felt like novice, unable to control the basic elements, a mage needed to control their magic like a fifth limb, not anything like what he'd just showed. Cal face twisted in worry.

 

“What is it, mi amor?” Zevran leaned in to whisper.

 

“I'm terrified, it feels like I can't breathe, and I'm having trouble controlling my magic because of it. It's worse than usual.”

 

Zevran leaned in and nuzzled him, “It’s alright mi amor, we'll get through this together, maybe an early night?” 

 

Cal nodded and curled in on himself. Zevran stood and helped Max with the food. The evening went about as well as could be expected. The feeling didn't decrease, and he was exhausted, so he ate and went to bed. Zevran came into the tent soon after, he bundled Cal up, and whispered sweet nothings in Antivan until Cal fell asleep.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me at tumblr  
> @nye-writes  
> Twitter  
> @nylazorslew  
> Email me prompts  
> nylazorslew@gmail.com


End file.
